March 8, 2016
March 5, 2016

“From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached”. Franz Kafka

Mexico city, april 2015 

ART STUDIO-la bohemia in exile- cuidad de Mexico- calle bolivar

journals 2015-2016


red curtain in flames- in a mad erotic dance- curse and blessing-  a few days into the roller coaster have left me empty and lost -where to go from now? I find refuge in old books- relics of the magic of humanity- surrealistic collage- will I really know myself in this lifetime? It feels the more I dive deeper, the more it opens to other layers. In this quest of the infinite will there be a certain light, somewhere, that I will recognize as mine? Will I ever find peace? Eye drops of Sananga- burn- blind- open- clear- wide open- stolen vision from Amazonia-  grand collage: the dance of the blessed spirits- destruction of history- to restore vital energy- there is so much to paint, to live, to love, to discover- san pedro cactus powder-

I spend the day repainting what I have destroyed at night in a furious trance in altered states of creation.  It creates some kind of alchemical balance in a nuptial dance: in between harmony and chaos; intuition and knowledge in fusion- in battle.

After darkness- another rebirth-  embrace the sun- to dance into the universal wheel of creation-  to transform reality- to touch and be touched- from the Bardo back to the theatre of earth- out for compassion- It’s spring: it grows- I already feels her lips on mine- skin white turns to gold- soul black turns to rainbow- art trance-heart beating at full speed- my pace is too fast, too intense- there is too many visions to transmit into art-  no music matches my emotion- my brushes at that mad speed trace perfect lines without even touching the canvas- the flow of my thoughts is out of control. I change the music a million times until a beat is taking me: bull running bleeding praying seeking to death- 200 colored skulls are staring at me-

Anais Nin is screaming delicate naked poetry around me- ambassador of  Earth-  -waltz in c-sharp minor- Chopin piano- ivory fingers- Indigene- etherogene- entheogenia- trip tongue blue- exile in bloom- I come back to the surface, where water and oxygen kiss each other-I must keep this book close to me- antidote to destiny- teacher of immortality- my only protection- ecstasy evangelist- blue pill eyes flickering-I disappear into the music spirit-I make love with the piano -piano -piano- I am dissolving into sound- huichol embrace- I chase for spirits- something too abstract- I sail in between realities but I never really touch one- I paint a giant kite: that will take me for a ride- I dig a hole in the middle of the studio- to reach the other side-I am the strangest beast- bird or bull?- lost in a sea of fantasy- I try to observe but I always see though my filter- drowned in the intensity of my visions- my body is vibrating- pulsating- my left hand knows no rest- drunk- head dancing at a fulgurant speed in tribal trance- goes where no one knows. 

Early morning: I am already so deeply involved into the realms of creation that I wonder how it will all explode at night- escalating ecstatic trance- or fury?  -Oh mystery of everything, ghost of pleasure- Epicure- god of inspiration and imagination- you’ve put in my hands a creature of clay- levres immenses comme la chaire de l’huitre- lips open- beautiful addiction you make me see everything blue- you are a shamanic beast who restores joy- art of kissing- by a river of blood I came- by a river of blood I will go- black ink of the sky- giant octopus of desire over my head- wet- screaming lust-- Eros everywhere- Aphrodite living from my within- I run- I touch- I pray- I paint- I lick- I scream- I share- I climb- I reach- I penetrate- no time to fall down- we must stay high- maintain this vision- I sacrifice harmony for thrills- fingers of the sky caress me- I am flesh- I am poetry- I am art-  I am love- I must contribute to the universal light- I surrender to no power- I create a river- buddhist bells - chanting- I find peace for a few minutes- in between two paintings- oasis in my mind- golden land-monochrome heaven-  tower of wind- Amate paper-  obsession- dedication- I feel no joy, I feel no pain I paint.

I feel no joy, I feel no pain I paint.

  Sex with the spirit- skeleton erotic- exotic reunion of all desires- my brushes know no hesitation- never motionless- never step back to see- never analyse- never satisfied- never turned down- never a question- never in doubt- just on the channel- devoted -dedicated- in trance- one with the universe- never in a square- never a definition- never completing the circle- never on a line- taken by inspiration- never for an audience- creating for the holy- painting to survive- act of poetry- act of passion- act of rebellion- vision quest- scream of existence- never part of a movement- never following or leading-  never in reaction- never to predict- never to be part of history or to be remembered- never a premonition- never a memory- but whirling whirling in sacred ecstasy to be one with the universe- searching for the meaning of life and death- diving for pearls- to cross the great golden gate of the unknown and push away the limits of reality and to embrace the miracle and mystery of life and death and love- to celebrate the miracle of our presence on Earth- and to reach a higher level of consciousness-

I open a wax sealed block of Arches papers- cold press- handcrafted- rough cotton grain- it’s like to undress a beautiful woman- the most beautiful ritual- energy rises- I become an animal- painting at the speed of light many different canvas at the same time- I open a book about XX century art history-  I draw intuitive versions of modern paintings- oil pastel- from page to page and I really penetrate the fabric of this century- soul of these times- I am the modern hand- I appear at the other end with 200 drawings splattered on the floor- 2 bottles of wine emptied and the sunrise that kicks by the window some renew- I collapse but never surrender. 

Heavy rains in Mexico City- magical feeling of isolation in the studio- among painted spirits- something exceptional will happen- magic trap opens up to my garden of the earthly delights- no witness- until sky opens up- uncertain times: will I die, will I live? Will I cross the gate? - knock of the drops on my heart: I write on the old typewriter a love letter to the sea- every word is a sound a song- war in my bed- dreams in convulsions- prophetic- erotic- kiss of one- she is everyone- she awakes- brave and naked- I found her- marble Venus at the antique market- in a seashell open- white and virgin- not for long- I must make those kites fly- high- oh it’s a dream for everyone- It’s not mine- my pink hands- there is no place in my sleep- no place to seek- there is too many to paint- too many to transform- too many to escape from- everything must be achieved now- must be saved and destroyed- birth of Venus- archetype- myth- joy- enjoy- destroy-

I breathe. I believe- is it a new life? Have you changed?